Somebody I know recently asked me this question. It’s something I rarely think about, because when I do, I conclude that overall, I’m not that happy. This makes no sense. I have a great family, live abundantly and comfortably, am relatively healthy, and have plenty of free time. However, given that I experience a consistently low level of chronic anxiety and depression, which has been more intense during the past few years, I’m not aiming for happiness, but rather a reduction in suffering or ‘unsatisfactoriness.’ More on this later. First, let’s address the topic of happiness at the simplest level.
What IS happiness? It is an abstract and therefore intangible noun that can mean many different things. For example, my wife defines happiness for her in a way that I do not. Dictionary synonyms for happiness include contentment, pleasure, satisfaction, and joy.
I believe that a large part of what makes me happy is stringing together different types of joyful moments, and noting and appreciating them. For example:
- Weight training and cardio.
- Walking in my town and hiking on trails.
- Going outdoors in nature, the lake, the beach, the woods, in the sun.
- Being in the company of other people I like, especially my wife and daughter.
- Eating simple and clean food.
- Making and drinking espresso in the early morning.
- Walking into Starbucks and being greeted like I’m the mayor.
- Parenting.
- Being the best partner I can be for my wife.
- Volunteering, particularly in the service of reducing world hunger.
- Listening to music, mostly classical these days.
- Learning about spirituality, Stoic philosophy, music, nutrition, personal development, leadership, critical thinking, technology in general, AI in particular, and plenty of other topics.
- Traveling.
- Going to museums.
And I will add two activities I want to get back to doing more of, reading and writing.
While this list isn’t organized in order of importance, I grouped them as follows. Items 1-7 are energizing. Items 8-10 provide meaning. Items 11-14 provide learning and spiritual growth.
The activities I just mentioned are the verbs - the actions that get me to a happier state of being when I remember to note and appreciate them.
However, at an even deeper level, happiness is strictly an internal game. If we are too hooked on the externals of life to ‘make’ us happy - the job titles and promotions, the money, the big house and lovely car and amazing vacations - then we won’t reach an adequate and independent internal state of fulfillment. Instead, we will be hooked on these external phenomena happening and being just right.
I know I'm reaching an independently derived state of 'happiness' when I feel inner peace. This is concrete and tangible rather than abstract for me. When my feelings and thoughts resonate toward increased inner peace, I feel better, in part because of what I'm sensing, but also due to what I'm feeling much less of: friction and tension caused by fear and anger. I experience more satisfaction and contentment versus suffering. My heart rate slows. I breathe more slowly and deeply. Pain is a fact of life, but suffering is optional. Resisting pain, and/or clinging to pleasurable moments and wishing they’d continue or hoping the pain will end versus truly accepting it – these are the roots of suffering, as is an inability to accept the present moment, just as it is.
How do I get to that deeper level? By trying to separate myself from my incessant thoughts – from being in my head so frequently, which is when I beat myself up by comparing myself to other people or bemoaning what I am not 'accomplishing'. I realize that thoughts need not capture, trap, or define me. I do this by meditating, by trying to increase my levels of mindfulness throughout the day, by practicing self compassion, and through experiencing higher levels of presence and living in the moment versus ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Some days are better than others. Therefore, this is and will be a core project for the rest of my life. I think a worthy effort is reducing the time it takes to move from suffering to peace. As I see it, rather than thinking I can eliminate suffering, it is all about the recovery rate. How quickly can I get back to base line, turning days or hours into minutes?
My wife is more spiritual than I am, and definitely more metaphysical. She believes the keys to happiness are continuously expressing gratitude and forgiving unconditionally. And, as is described in the Course In Miracles, a text she reads throughout the year, she believes there are two core emotions in the world, love and fear, and that fear is an illusion, while only love is real. Ultimately, she is a practitioner of love and kindness.
As much as this sentiment may spark my cynicism, I can’t deny the truth of it. When we look at the constant levels of societal madness, violence, and oppression throughout history, one has to admit they are based in fear and its derivative of anger. And with this lens plus the ability to observe more objectively, the insanity does seem illusory.
Also, I contemplate what it would feel like to unconditionally forgive everyone for everything – to hold absolutely no grudges. We think forgiveness and kindness are for the benefit of the other person, but aren’t we the main recipients? And isn’t the removal of that weight of anger and resentment a giant step forward toward happiness?
Finally, let’s land where we started. My movement toward happiness is largely associated with reducing my unhappiness. And I do this through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and mindfulness. I regard these components as basic mental health hygiene. In cognitive therapy, it’s about recognizing cognitive distortions in order to untwist unnecessarily negative thoughts, and doing this in written form to aid in the process of neuroplasticity. My top cognitive distortion is ‘all or none thinking.’
With DBT comes so many exercises. My favorite is ‘radical acceptance’ – accepting reality (facts and data versus more subjective forms of ‘reality’) as is without unnecessary emotion or narratives, and then seeking to define elements we can control, and working on those. In other words, while we cannot change what is, we can modify how we interpret and respond to it.
And as described, mindfulness is really present moment awareness without judgement.
What all these areas have in common is they operate on a fulcrum. In my world, there is no end state of happiness. Instead, there are the daily actions associated with both being mindful and moving up the scale by appreciating life’s joyful moments, however minute and temporary they may be. There is so much power in noticing and adding up these seemingly momentary flickers in one’s day.
Ultimately, more joyful moments and less ongoing identification with unnecessarily stressful moments add up to a more joyful and memorable life. Throw in a daily gratitude practice and more consistent levels of genuine kindness, and I believe we can all move the needle toward increased levels of happiness, however you define it.