Somebody I know recently asked me this question. It’s something I rarely think about, because then I contemplate happiness and conclude that overall, I’m definitely not happy. This makes no sense. I have a great family, live comfortably and safely, am relatively healthy, and have abundant free time. However, given that I experience chronic anxiety and depression, which has been more intense during the past few years, I’m actually not aiming for happiness, but rather a reduction in suffering or ‘unsatisfactoriness.’
Let’s initially address the topic of happiness at the simplest level. What IS happiness? First, it is an abstract term. It can mean many different things. For example, my wife defines happiness for her in a way that I do not. Synonyms for happiness include contentment, pleasure, satisfaction, and joy. I like to think of what makes me happy in terms of stringing together joyful moments, and noting and appreciating them. Or we can use the term enjoyment.
What do I enjoy?
Exercise, I;e., weight training and cardio.
Walking and hiking.
Eating simple and clean food.
Laughing.
Being outdoors in nature, the lake, the beach, the woods, in the sun.
The company of other people I enjoy being with, especially my wife and daughter.
Parenting.
Learning about spirituality, Stoic philosophy, music, nutrition, personal development, leadership, critical thinking, technology in general, AI in particular, and plenty of other topics.
Listening to music, mostly classical, but also jazz, blues, old-school hip hop, and newer school indie.
Making and drinking espresso in the early morning WHILE listening to classical music.
Walking into Starbucks and being greeted like I’m the mayor.
Traveling.
Museums.
Volunteering, particularly in the service of reducing world hunger.
And I could add two activities I haven’t been doing nearly enough of lately, reading and writing. I ENJOY all these things, and others I haven’t yet identified.
But I have to pause and reflect. For one, as mentioned, I don’t really think of happiness. The activities I just mentioned are the verbs…the actions that get me to a happier state of being when I remember to note and appreciate them. We can call them joyful actions or even ‘happying’, the act of possibly moving oneself up the scale of happiness.
However, at an even deeper level, happiness is an internal game. If we are too dependent on the externals of life to ‘make’ us happy, then we won’t reach an adequate internal state of peace. We’ll be dependent on that external phenomenon happening and being just right. Externals are arguably more fleeting and temporary than internals CAN be.
My definition of the inner game of happiness, for me, is inner peace. This is concrete and tangible rather than abstract for me. When my feelings and thoughts resonate toward increased inner peace, I feel better. I experience more satisfaction and contentment versus suffering. As others often say, pain is often mandatory and continuous, but suffering is optional. Resisting pain, and/or clinging to pleasurable moments and wishing they’d continue or wishing the pain would end versus truly accepting it – these are the roots of suffering, as is an inability to accept the present moment, just as it is.
How do I get to that deeper level? By trying to separate myself from my incessant thoughts – from being in my head so very frequently. I realize that thought need not capture, trap, or define me. I do this be meditating, by trying to increase my levels of mindfulness throughout the day, and through practicing higher levels of presence and living in the moment versus ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Some days are better than others. Many days are not so great. This will be my project for the rest of my life.
My wife is more spiritual than I am, and definitely more metaphysical. She believes the keys to happiness are continuously expressing gratitude and forgiving unconditionally. And, as is described in the Course In Miracles, a text she reads throughout the year, she believes there are two core emotions in the world, love and fear, and that fear is an illusion, while only love is real. Ultimately, she is a practitioner of love.
As much as this sentiment may spark my cynicism, I can’t deny the truth of it on so many levels. When we look at the constant levels of societal madness, violence, and oppression throughout history, one has to admit they are based in fear and its derivative of anger. And the insanity does seem illusory.
Also, I contemplate what it would feel like to unconditionally forgive everyone for everything – to hold absolutely no grudges. We think forgiving is for the benefit of the other person, but aren’t we the main recipients? And isn’t the removal of that weight of anger and resentment a giant step forward toward happiness?
Finally, let’s land where we started. My movement toward happiness is largely associated toward reducing my unhappiness. And I do this through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and mindfulness. I regard this as basic mental health hygiene. In cognitive therapy, it’s about recognizing cognitive distortions in order to untwist unnecessarily negative thoughts, and doing this in written form. My top cognitive distortion is ‘all or none thinking.’
With DBT come so many exercises. My favorite is ‘radical acceptance’ – accepting reality (facts and data versus more subjective forms of ‘reality’) as it is without unnecessary emotion or narratives, and then seeking to define elements we can control, and working on those. In other words, while we cannot change what is, we can change how we respond to it. In sports, it’s called controlling the controllables. This can be powerful.
And as described, mindfulness is really present moment awareness without judgement. While this sounds simple, it is obviously not easy.
All of these areas operate on a fulcrum. In my world, there is no end state of happiness. Instead, there are the daily actions associated with moving up the scale and appreciating life’s joyful moments, however minute and temporary they may be. There is so much power in recognizing and adding these seeming flickers in one’s day.
Ultimately, more joyful moments and less ongoing identification with unnecessarily stressful moments add up to a joyful and memorable life.